The powerless feeling of existence.

Going through the emotions of life is…damaging. Flattening. Do we even control our lives? It doesn’t feel like it. In some way we are all under someone’s rules, someone’s power. Why? How do we allow ourselves to just go about life accepting the burdens. Why? Why do we accept people walking over us? It seems in the moment that they couldn’t give a damn about you. Everyone’s too worried about themselves. I’m called controlling because I refuse to do something I have no obligation too. Suddenly it’s my fault. I’m seen as problematic. Bitchy. When in reality, I refused to help, because before you needed something from me I was…nothing. Useless. Existing. I don’t accept that controlling myself makes me selfish. I will always help someone deserving. Someone who would help me. I won’t help someone who would turn me away because they didn’t find me useful. Because they are just abusing the hold they have over me. They hold my obligation to blood ties against me. They know I’m powerless with it. After the deed is done. I go back to being the person they tolerate. I’m done. I’m done with obligations. I’m done with the crushing guilt. I’m done with my fear of rejection. I’m done. I don’t care. I’ve been paralyzed with the lack of emotions. No. Not lack. I shouldn’t say I don’t have them. They all just worked together to shut me down to the point where I can’t process them anymore. To the point where I exist as a shell. A shell that is there physically for the yelling, but my mind hears the blood rushing through me, and the sound of my heart beating through my chest. Beating to remind me I’m still here. Still able to hear the thumping. I still exist. But, I want more than existence. I want life. My life. A life. Without the burdens,and ties, and everything that gives me pain. Any life.

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